It is rather unfortunate that someone is lead into a relationship where the other person is not completely honest with them. It is hard to understand the psyche of someone when you don’t know how they really are. With the incarcerated person there is a lot that goes with that. What I will try to do is give you a glimpse of what that could look like and be like.
The first thing that needs to be addressed, when it comes to someone that has made a habit/career of committing crime, is criminal think. A acts begin with the way we think about them. In the mind of the criminal (whether they know it or not) there are severe control issues. From the person that uses a weapon to evoke fear and intimidate others to the person that uses drugs as a means to manipulate those addicted to it. There is a sense of power an control that one falls into and the feeling is like no other. What better person to be in this life than the person that controls things around them. This extends to physical, emotional, and mental abuse. Abuse that is common and typical in the world of crime and criminals. I don’t use these words lightly. It is what it is and needs to be called what it is. Criminal behavior and criminality.
God’s gift to the criminal man in prison is a woman. It does not matter the woman. Often the more unattractive the better. There is no real sense of commitment to this person. At the end of the day it is, “what can I get from her?” Whatever “that” may be. Money, cards, letters, emails, visits, sexy photos, anything to make the time easier. These women often have self-esteem issues or have been hurt and dogged by men on the outside that they settle for a guy on the inside. A guy that is going to address and cater to their emotional needs. The idea is to pull her all the way in, manipulate and control the situation.
This is the way the criminal mind works. It spares no one and nobody is safe from it. Not even other criminals. There is no sense of shame when it comes to Victimizing others. At the end of the day it is about self. This is what the criminal mind looks like. It is very controlling and conniving. It will use religion, family and anything else to achieve what it wants.
In these types of relationships, if one is not aware of this mindset, one will get sucked in this web of deception and lies.
This mindset is what I had to challenge and change. I had to learn to let go of control. This was/is the hardest thing to do. As a person goes from having “all” the control to having “none” in the matter of minutes. One no longer has control over the food they eat, the clothes they wear, the bed they sleep in, the time to go to bed, the people around them, the use of the phone. They are subjected to cell searches and pat downs, randomly, where someone is looking and prying into their lives. This where the need to group up and create factions come from. It is the need to have power and control over others. It is the need to be acknowledge and recognized. This is dangerous when it comes from a negative, dishonest and deceptive place. This is the mindset and behavior that will drive one to take a life or lose his life about a 49 cent stamp, the belief that they have the right to watch a certain show, or the pride of what is considered “convict” respect. One loses out all the way around the board with this mind-set.
I had to challenge this mind-set. How? I had to learn to share and that the world did not stop not revolve around me. That is what the criminal voice says. It becomes resentful that life goes on. It vows to hurt and make pay all those that crossed it and forgot about them. I hear it all the time. The when I get out this is what I am going to do story is what I call it.
I hate to say it but I try to keep it real. The level of selfishness is at an all time high because the system creates selfishness. From the time a person is arrested, in the federal system, he/she is asked if they want to cooperate. This sets up the idea of “look out for yourself and get yourself out of this situation.” This caters to the criminal mind. To use any means to avoid accountability for their actions. It feeds this mind-set from the door.
It is sad that women get caught up in this cycle as they put their trust in guys that are out for self. Guys that will not be truthful in their actions. Who will not value the foundation of “relationship”, which is based on trust, loyalty, and respect.
I hope that you recover from this bad experience with a new and positive perspective on life and relationships. The inner-person is the only person. The inner-person can change and can when it wants to change.
With that being said I will tell you that it is not easy to change learned behavior. But, if there is a true desire to change one will change. Not for others but most importantly from themselves.